12. Out of the Mouths of Babes

Maggie: Pit toilets make my bum stink, which makes my pajamas stink.
Evy: I wish pit toilets had air refreshments.

Evy: What in the name of heck?

Jared sings this to the tune of the scary Umpa Loompa song from the original Willy Wonka (my childhood): "What do you get when you guzzle down beans? Stinking as much as an elephant stinks."

Jared: Alexa—I mean Mom—what's 97 divided by 14?

Abby: Grandma, you have chalk on your eyes! 

Grandma Curtis: No, it's called eye shadow.

Abby: No, it's chalk.

Jenny: Kids, what did you guys think about the casserole?

Jared: Meh, it was OK.

Alan: Jared, don't you think you can be a bit more complimentary of your mom's cooking?

Jared: She was asking for feedback—not fishing for compliments.

Maggie: Evelyn hurt me! 

Alan: It was an accident. You don't get to be mad at people for accidents. 

Maggie: Hey, it's my birthday! 

Jenny: Evy, did you know Kayson is moving out of the ward?

Evy: What?! But he's my second-favorite boyfriend!

After getting a haircut, Abby asked whether her hair had turned brown—as did Rapunzel's in Tangled. It had not. 

I had this conversation with Maggie and Evelyn:

Alan: Would you guys rather eat snails or eggplant?
Maggie: Eggplant. 
Evelyn: [interrupting Maggie] Snails. [On the verge of tears] But don't ever feed me snails for dinner.

I didn't believe the girls when they told me that some types of red food coloring are made of crushed bugs, so I looked it up on the internet and discovered they were right. Knowing how much the girls hate eggplant, I then proceeded to ask them whether they would rather eat it or bugs, and they said eggplant. Then I asked whether they would rather eat bugs or snails, and they said snails. Then I asked them whether they would rather eat bugs or octopus, and they said octopus. The possibilities are endless. …

According to Evy, her order of preference would be as follows:

Octopus

Snails

Eggplant

Bugs

Abby calls Mr. Potato Head "Mr. Tomato Head."

Maggie: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because there were no chickens back then.

Evy: Where did the ant go to buy a toy? To the antique store.
Maggie: Did you make that up?
Evy: Yep. No wonder I'm so clever.

Jenny: How is the owie in your mouth today?

Abby: The dinosaur in my mouth just got better.

Jenny: The canker sore?

Abby: Yeah, the kangaroo sore in mouth just barely got better.

Jared: Why don't they allow dogs in national parks? So there will be no more yellow stones! Get it?

Evy: I'm glad you're my daddy!

Alan: I love being your daddy. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Evy: I love this family!

Alan: I love this family too!

Evy: Mommy, I beat the pants off Daddy in Skip-Bo!

Abby: I want to wear underwear to bed. 

Alan: You can wear underwear to bed when you're bigger. 

Abby: But I am bigger. 

Alan: Well, you have to be even bigger than bigger.

Maggie: Are tongues alive?

Alan: What do you mean?

Maggie: They must be alive because they move all by themselves.

Alan: Well, your brain tells your tongue to move.

Maggie: Oh.

This conversation happened in church the other week:

Abby: Who poohed on me?

Alan: No one poohed on you, Abby.

Abby: Yes, I can smell it!

Abby's voice was a little scratchy the other day. In her effort to explain what she was experiencing, she said, "I tooted in my voice!"

Jenny: Maggie, maybe you shouldn't fast tomorrow since you've been feeling sick.

Maggie: OK.

Jared: Hey, what about me?!

Maggie: I can cough on you if you want.

Jenny: Abby, did you have fun playing with your sisters?

Abby: We played a game about boobs.

Jenny: Wait, you played a game about boobs? Evy, is this true?

Evy: [Matter of factly] Yeah, we put balls in our shirts.

Alan: [Shaking his head and not saying a word]

Jenny: [Muttering under her breath] Welcome to being a little girl, Alan. 

Maggie: If birds were ever to tap on my window, they would have to be hummingbirds since they're the only ones small enough to get into the window well. But, alas, hummingbirds don't live in Cedar Hills.

Jared: Jared likes to smile guiltily while singing this song to the tune of "Silver Bells": "People passing [meaning passing gas] meeting smile after smile."

Alan: OK, time for your bath.

Abby: No!

Alan: Why not?

Abby: It will be too wet.

Alan: The funny thing about baths is that they often are rather wet.