Evy: Ok, Abby, you touch my heart and I’ll touch your heart, and then on the count of three we say, “Sisters Forever!” Ready? 1, 2, 3...
Abby and Evy: [In enthusiastic unison] Sisters forever!
Evy: My teacher really loves Star Wars, so we’re going to have a Star Wars day at school. She especially loves R2-D2 and BB8.
Alan: Do you know who they are?
Evy: No.
Alan: They’re droids.
Evy: Yeah, and Chihuahua is a wookie.
Evy: I have these pants that are such a bright pink that if I look at them, my eyes start to melt. They’re, like, so pink!
Evy: And bless our dinner to be healthy and strong.
Abby: We’re going to go see the Frozen movie! It’s not at the water heater; it’s at the movie heater.
Evy: Ouch! I hurt my bum.
Jenny: Oh, I’m sorry. Did you bonk into something?
Evy: No, I sprained it.
Jared: Dad, you’ve failed me: Your genes are garbage.
Jared: Why do you have to kill innocent plants to poison me? I’m going to become a vegan so I won’t ever have to eat vegetables again! Wait.
Alan: Ok, Jared, be my guest.
Jared: I mean I’m going to become an anti-vegan so I never have to eat vegetables ever again!
Abby: Daddy, you have yucky big feet.
Abby: Does Daddy live here?
Jenny: Yep
Abby: And sometimes he lives at work.
Abby: Let’s play Rapunzel! I’ll be Rapunzel, mommy will be Gutter Faffel, and you can be Flynn!
Evy: [While we were watching Christmas Eve on Sesame Street] Why does Burt have a unibrow?
Jenny: How do you know what a unibrow is?
Evy: Oh, I don’t know.
Maggie: Why do we even have tongues? They’re like a long living creature—like having a goldfish living and swimming in your mouth.
Maggie:
Dear Santa,
You only come once a year, and I want to meet you. I’m not talking about one of your helpers at the Cedar Hills Christmas party. I want to meet YOU. Please take me for a ride in your sleigh. I’d love to return the favor by giving you this cookie and milk and feeding your reindeer oats. Go downstairs and the first door to your left is my bedroom door. Wake me up and take me for a ride.
Sincerely,
Maggie Stout
Abby: [Entirely unprompted] Totally, I just really love Grandpa Stout. And Grandma Stout too.
Abby: This is how Abby sings the words to the song from Tangled: “And at last I see the light, and it’s like the fox has lifted.”
Alan helping Abby say the family prayer:
Alan: Help me to get married in the temple.
Abby: What?
Alan: Help me to get married in the temple.
Abby: What?
Alan: Help me to get married in the temple.
Abby: [Pausing briefly with mild confusion] Help Daddy to get married in the temple.
This is how Abby erroneously sings the words to the Primary song “I Feel My Savior’s Love”: “I feel my cereal’s love!”
Maggie: [while eating sausage pizza] Pigs are cute, but they’re also delicious. I don’t know whether to keep them alive or whether to kill them and put them on pizza.
Jared: I have a friend at school whose parents moved here from China.
Evy: Well I have a friend who’s part Ninja.
Evy: How does milk come out of a mother’s body? Do our moms turn into cows?!
Alan: Evy, how was your class party?
Evy: It was boring
Alan: Oh, really? Why was it boring?
Evy: All we did was play games. [Man, I just hate it when we play games at parties. What a hardship.]
Abby: Is Jesus supposed to be the daddy to the children?
Jenny: Jesus isn’t our daddy. He’s our friend.
Abby: And is he supposed to be the bus driver?
Jenny: No. … He’s just our friend.
Jenny: I love you, Abby!
Abby: I don’t love you. I just love Daddy.
All kids: [To the tune of “Feed the Birds”] Leave a turd, dump in the bag. Dump it, dump it, dump in the bag. …
Abby: Mommy, when I get married in the temple I’m going to kiss someone and you’re going to think it’s GROSS!
Abby: [As I enthusiastically attempted to feed her a bite of noodles she clearly didn’t want] Don’t be nice to me: I’m grumpy!
Evy: Alexa is like our servant.
Abby commented on the “ice popsicles” hanging from the eve of the roof.
Abby: Jared is gross!
Alan: He’s not gross. That’s not nice to say to your brother.
Abby: Yes he is, because I don’t want to marry him.
Alan: You don’t have to marry Jared.
Abby: Can I have some more ice cream?
Jenny: No, you’ve already had enough dessert.
Abby: But I just want plain ice cream.
Jenny: No, Abby. You’ve already had enough.
Abby: But I just want plain ice cream!
Alan: Abby, I understand what you’re saying, but the answer is no.
Abby: No, the answer is yes!
Alan: The answer is no.
Maggie: [After stubbing her toe] I can’t live anymore! I stub my toe every day!
Evy: Mom, you’re so good at shopping for birthday presents!
Jared: It’s called Amazon has a search bar at the top of the screen.
Alan: Abby, I think it will be easier if you eat your dinner with your right hand.
Abby: What?
Alan: This is your right hand, and it’s probably better for eating because I think you’re right handed. This other one is your left hand.
Abby: What can I do with it?
Alan: Anything you want.
Abby: [Taking my hand] Probably the left one is better for holding your hand.
Abby says garbage toaster instead of garbage dumpster
Abby climbed in bed with us to cuddle one morning. She took a good look at Jenny and said, “It looks like you need to put on some make-up, Mommy.”
Evy: [After a rousing game of spoons] Next time, we should play KNIVES!
Jenny was explaining to the kids the hardships pioneer children faced as they crossed the plains. She mentioned that the kids probably never got to take a bath. That was the point in the lesson when the wheels came off the wagon—so to speak:
Jared: [Singing] Pioneer children stank as they walked and walked and walked and walked.
Abby: My bum growled because probably I have to go poop.
Abby: As we read in her illustrated Book of Mormon about Alma baptizing the new members of the church, Abby interrupted and informed me that the correct word was in fact pronounced bath-tize.
Abby: Snow is yummy. It’s like popsicles on the ground. [This was not the same conversation when she told me about the "ice popsicles."]
Evy’s class voted on what class pet they wanted to have, and each kid wishing to nominate a particular animal got to spend a few minutes extolling the virtues of that animal and making a persuasive argument in its favor. Evelyn chose a duck—yes, a duck.
Abby: Mommy, you’re a genius.
Jenny: Do you know what that means?
Abby: It means I love you.
Evy: Daddy, you’re good at being a daddy.
Maggie: I’m going to refuse to go to heaven if we can’t eat meat. Heaven wouldn’t be heaven without chicken and beef!
Evy: Why do we have necks?
Alan. Why do we have necks?!
Jenny. To move our heads from side to side.
Evy: Oh, OK.
Abby: [Whispering in my ear] Daddy, I think I’ll marry you—because you’re handsome.
Alan: Thanks! But I thought you were planning to marry your imaginary friend Booterpops.
Abby: No. He’s invisible.
Evy: Today, I finally learned that I like sugar.
Jared: Full moons on Halloween happen only once in a blue moon. [That is literally true.]
Evy: What are deer crossing signs for?
Jenny: It’s just to warn drivers to watch out for deer because they could damage your car if you hit them.
Evy: Or it could damage the deer.
Jared: There was a chicken at school today.
Alan: OK … What’s the context here?
Jared: No, there is no context. It just walked through the front doors.
Alan: Are you serious?!
Jared: Yes, I was one of the first students to see it. It just wandered around the halls.
Evy: Did you have to do a lockdown?
Alan: No, but they had to do a squawk down! Ha ha!
Abby: Jesus wears flip-flops.
Alan: Yes, I … suppose he does.
