7. Out of the Mouth of Babes

Maggie: I could hear Abigail through the baby thermometer!

Maggie:  Mommy, who do you think Abby loves more? You or me?

Evelyn: The only things I'm allergic to are monsters, skeletons, witches, and pickles.

Also Evy: A friend of mine is allergic to angels.

Due to my fatherly blunders, I created no small amount of confusion and drama regarding the Tooth Fairy. Well, the Tooth Fairy herself  wrote Maggie the following letter in the way of damage control:

Dear Margaret,

Congratulations on losing a tooth! 

I heard that your daddy recently told you that mommies and daddies are the ones who give money to their cute kids who lose teeth. He’s right that parents sometimes are my assistants when I’m extra busy, but that is a special secret between just me and the parents, and it was a big mistake for him to tell you. I was sad that he had spoiled the secret, but I understand that he’s really sorry, so please tell him that I forgive him but that he had better not mention it to your two little sisters. If he does, he’ll be in big trouble, and I mean it. (Don’t worry. I’m not really mad at him, but I am serious.)

Good luck in school!

Love,

The Tooth Fairy

P.S. Your new smile is beautiful!

Evy, during the aftermath of the aforementioned Tooth Fairy blunder: Jared, since you lost a tooth, Mommy and Daddy will put money under your pillow!

There was one night that we—I mean the Tooth Fairy—forgot to collect Jared's tooth. He informed us of the fact and then left a postage stamp–sized note with his tooth the next night that said simply this: "What happened last night?" Can you hear just a little hint of sarcasm? 

Jared, after having his hair cut: My haircut feels like a monkey's bum! [Very classy.]

At dinner one night, Maggie asked whether leprechauns were real. Jared, in a very convincing Irish accent, replied, "It depends upon whether you're Irish!"

While offering a family prayer during December, Jenny prayed, "Help us to remember that Christmas is about Baby Jesus." Evelyn corrected Jenny, in a rather loud whisper: "Christmas is about giving presents!"

Jared invented a secret language a few months back: He simply says "in-a-ra-ra-ra" after every sentence he says. "Mommy do you want to play a game, in-a-ra-ra-ra?" "Daddy, I'm excited to go skiing, in-a-ra-ra-ra." Mercifully, this secret language had a short shelf life and is no longer spoken in our home.

After I predicted that we were going to get pounded by snow on a particular day, Jared raised his eyebrows knowingly and said, "Well, that's good for our water supply!"

Evy: I sleeped in today. Sleeping in makes you happy and sleeping out makes you sad.

Evy, after learning about our country and the flag one morning at Joyschool: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, indivisible of all!

Maggie: Tomorrow we're going to have a party at school. Maybe I'll be a party animal!

Maggie, after Jared tooted in the car: It smells like Eleanor Roosevelt back here! [At the time, Jared was reading a book about the former First Lady, and the kids got a kick out of the caricature of her on the book's cover.]

Evy: There was a farmer who had a cat and Binxie [that's Alan's parents' cat] was his name-o! Binx-I-N-G-O, Binx-I-N-G-O, Binx-I-N-G-O, and Binxie was his name-o!

If you haven't had the opportunity of reading The Sad Tale of Henry the Goldfish, please click here. Really, you should. It's great. He was our pet for two exciting days back in October, and I'm sure you can guess why we only had him for two days. Reading that post will provide important context for the following:

Evy: There was a farmer who had a fish, and he began to die. Blub, blub, blub blub blub! Blub, blub, blub blub blub! Blub, blub, blub blub blub! And Bingo was his name-o!

Maggie, also referring to Henry: Animals go up to heaven?! That's crazy!

Jared, Maggie, and Evy have invented the word ziti, which is not a kind of pasta. Rather, it is a code word for bum—though Jared still won't actually admit that that's what it means. They invented it since we told them that they can only use "potty words" if they are either (1) in the bathroom or (2) watching the classic film Elmo's Potty Time. Yes, we actually had to make that rule. Pathetic. So they have invented ziti, and they are under the mistaken impression that they can, with impunity, tell each other to "smell my ziti" or threaten to "spank your ziti," Jenny and I would prefer that they not use the real word or their code word, but we've struck a compromise: they can use ziti as long as it's not at the dinner table.

P.S. We think, but we haven't been able to confirm, that they have invented a code word for—please forgive me—diarrhea. All three of them will look at each other, giggle, and then one of them will say, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh noooooooooooooo!!!" All three of them will then burst into irreverent laughter. 

Henry

Two of Alan's sisters planned an amazing Halloween carnival for the family.  Seriously, it was top notch.  I will have to upload pictures when I get around to it.

We came home from said carnival with a new pet goldfish.  The kids named him Henry.  I warned the kids that goldfish don't usually live very long, sometimes a few weeks, sometimes a few days.

Henry was mentioned in every family prayer.  We had to explain why Henry couldn't come with us places in the car.  The kids each took turns feeding him. Unfortunately, we were only able to enjoy 2 1/2 days with him. We think he may have died because we didn't know that you were only supposed to change half or less of goldfish's water at a time to keep it oxygenated.  Jared and Maggie both cried and cried and cried before school that day.  It was a sad, sad day.

Alan's sister Shawna said, "I only thought of the joy they would get in taking home a goldfish!  I didn't think about the dying part!"  Ha ha.

Poor Henry.  May he rest in peace.

More Funny-isms

• I sing my kids songs about the Mormon Pioneers at bedtime during the summer.  A few days ago Maggie asked me for the "Oreo" song.  I couldn't figure out what she meant!  Then she started singing it: "For some must push, and some must pull, as we go marching up the hill!  So merrily on our way we go until we reach the Oreo!" (Valley-O)
• Maggie likes to lay out her outfit the night before.  It is so cute.  (It usually includes undies, too.)

• Last night our neighborhood held its monthly "Cookie Walk." Four families sign up at church in advance to bake DOZENS of cookies and set up a stand in front of their house.  Then families can walk around the neighborhood on a Sunday evening and take a cookie at each station (or like, four or five cookies at each station if you are an entitled teenager...) and visit with other neighbors.  It's lots of fun.  Last night we had a station in front of our house with 10 or 11 dozen cookies laid out.  Jared was treating the whole thing like a business venture:  "So, Mom, we are open from 6 til 8 o'clock, right?"  And then he greedily said, "We are going to make so much money!" after which I had to tell him we were giving the cookies away for free! (I actually think he already knew that, and he was just saying it to be funny.) 



Getting ready for the cookie walk

I do not have a primary calling, but occasionally I'm told things that happen during singing time or Jared's class time.  Jared has developed quite the reputation with the adults who serve in Primary, and they are always telling me what a good singer he is or what funny and smart things he says:

• Jared's Primary class was asked what "amazed" meant.  As in, the people were amazed at the miracles Jesus performed.  Jared called out, "That means flabbergasted!"
• The primary chorister was teaching the primary kids a new song, and they were on their 2nd week working on it.  She praised them and said how she was so surprised and proud at how so many of them knew most of the words already.  Jared yelled out, "Well, duh, we learned this song last week!"
• Jared and his friend Lauren were sitting next to each other during singing time in Primary.  After a song was finished Lauren said, "Jared, you are such a good singer."  Then Jared replied solemnly, "Well, I always try to do my best at everything!"  
• After a Primary lesson on the Priesthood, Jared wrote on a poster the class was making, "Jared's Guide to Priesthood Ordinances" and then proceeded to list what he knew about each ordinance.  So cute!
• One last note about Jared before I share pictures from the last week of school--Jared is officially a Star Wars geek!  I love it!  He has read many, many Star Wars picture books this past year and is into Angry Birds Star Wars (it teaches more about the characters and plot than you think!)  He knows all the characters and the whole story line.  Well, we have finally started watching the movies with him!  I was nervous showing them to him cause I think they can be a bit scary (we will definitely skip big chunks of Episode III), but he is loving them.  At the end of Episode I, I was explaining to Jared that Palpatine was just pretending to be nice, but he's really a bad guy.  Jared said, "Duh, Mom, everyone know's he's Darth Sidious!"  It's super fun to share that with him.  I think Alan, especially, loves it.  

Jared on the last day of school with Mrs. H!  We loved her. Jared is actually sad that school's out (that makes two of us!) Ha ha!)  He enjoys it so much!

Below is a video of the 1st graders doing their dance for the Dance Festival the last week of school.  Jared's right on the front row, but this was the closest I could zoom in, so don't even try to pick him out. 

Random cute picture of sweet Evelyn with Daddy taken the day of the Dance Festival

Tastes of Italy

Several weeks ago we ate dinner at Olive Garden.  We let Evelyn chew on the paper coaster that says "Tastes of Italy."  Looks like she enjoyed her own little "taste" of Italy.

She's such a cute rascal.

Cute Sayings

We finally bought a new computer, so I can hopefully get back into blogging more regularly.  Yay!

I have just been thinking about a few cute things Jared and Maggie have been doing lately that I wanted to record:

1. Jared pretends that he can control the weather.  He will wake up and say things like, "Mommy, the reason why it snowed last night is because I turned my snow machine on.  I need to turn on my heat machine to warm things up."  (I think this is loosely based on Snow Miser and Heat Miser from The Year Without a Santa Claus.) Jared talks about this so much that he even had a cute 2nd grade girl in his carpool slightly convinced that he does, in fact, control the weather.   :)

2. Maggie likes to "tuck in" her dollies and stuffed animals.  I will walk into my room and see some of her toys lying on my bed and tucked in under a blankie.  I will also find her doing this in other random places in our house.  It is so cute.

3. Maggie loves to play hide-and-go-seek with Alan and Jared.  Maggie will tell Alan where to hide and then pretend she doesn't know where he is.  "Where can Daddy be?  Is he in the closet? No...." Then she will find him and pretend to be surprised at where he hid.  When it is her turn to hide she will tell Alan where she will be.  It is so funny.

4. Maggie knows all of the sounds of all the ABCs. She is on the verge of being able to sound out three-letter words like CAT and BOX. Maggie also says things like "W starts with the letter D, and Y starts with the letter W!" (She's right--sound it out for yourself!)  She can spell her own name.

5. Maggie is obsessed with Frozen and has a lot of the songs memorized.  She is so cute!  She wants me to do her hair in an "Elsa braid" every morning.  I am just trying to figure out which of the dozens of Frozen toys out there should I buy her for her 4th birthday in May (???)

6. Jared wants a magical snow globe for next Christmas that will grant him wishes (Anyone seen Elmo Saves Christmas?) He talks about all the wishes he will make.  One day he asked me if I would rather be an eagle or a snake.  When I said eagle he said, "Well, Mom, after I get my snow globe for Christmas, you might get your wish..."

I can't think of anything else right now.  Maybe I will add more to this post later.

Talent Show

This past weekend our ward had its 3rd annual talent show.  Although NOTHING can ever compare to Alan's Napoleon Dynamite dance last year (watch the video here), we did participate a little bit this year.  Alan had quite a few people tell him how funny his dance was last year, and wonder if he was going to do it again.  Yeah, right.  

This is a video of a men's quartet singing "Stouthearted Men." No, Alan did not organize this, but the 80-year-old tenor standing to the left of Alan did.  He had a lot of fun learning this.  (By the way, I'm the accompanist for this song.  I have to give myself credit, too.)  :)

This is a video of a bunch of our Relief Society sisters lip-syncing to Weird Al's "Eat It." I was dragged into participating in it since I'm in our Relief Society Presidency. I think it turned out quite funny.  It was fun to learn some dance moves again; I haven't done that in a while.

Jared has been diligently learning to play the piano (from me) these past couple of months.  I am really proud of the progress he has made so far.  He really wanted to play in the talent show, so he and I played "Old MacDonald" as a duet.

And here is a cute video of Evelyn giggling. This was obviously at home, not the ward talent show.  :)

Tums

We go through a lot of Tums in our house. I take them because it seems like I have chronic heartburn (thanks to my unborn baby), and Jared takes one daily to supposedly help his chronic barfing problem.

Well, today he tried a new flavor and said, "Yuck! That tastes like the smell of a pit toilet!"

I laughed pretty hard at that, although personally I think there are much grosser things than Tums out there. He's a funny kid.

Swindled!

Jared came home from Kindergarten the other day and told Alan and me the following story:

"Today my friend Autumn offered me the deal of a lifetime! She said that if I gave her my treat after computer time that she would give me more money than what I have in my piggy bank!"

I said, "So, did you give her your treat?" He said yes.
I said, "And did she give you her money?"
Jared said, "No, but she's going to bring it to me in a few days!" (This is like 2 days before Christmas break.)

I then very carefully explained that Autumn probably wasn' t ever going to remember to bring him the money, but that it was very nice of him to share his treat with her.

Alan then leaned over to me and said, "Jared just had his first experience being swindled!"

It's about time...

Finally, we are happy to announce that we are...

I am always so reluctant to announce my pregnancies on this blog until we know the baby is healthy.  Well, we had our big ultrasound recently, and it looks like things are good and she'll arrive next April.  (Note: The doctor was pretty sure it was a girl, but he was uncertain enough that he said I could have a quick ultrasound at my next appointment to verify the gender.)

I am so incredibly grateful for this baby that will be coming into our lives.  I know so many couples right now who are longing for more children, and that really puts things into perspective for me.  Jared and Maggie will be so cute with her (Jared was hoping for another little sister!  Isn't that cute?)  All that being said, allow me to vent by saying I have been sooooo sick with this pregnancy!  One of my sis-in-laws says that she feels sicker and sicker with each subsequent pregnancy, and that has also been the case with me, although I'm grateful that my morning sickness didn't really start til after we got back from our Arches camping trip in September.  Alan likes to point out "new features" of this pregnancy--like feeling sick in the middle of the night every single night and throwing up at the slightest yucky smell (poopy diapers, diaper pail, kitchen garbage...)  I've also had dreadful headaches (probably from being dehydrated) that just get so bad that I end up throwing up, too.  Here I am, more than halfway through this pregnancy, and just the past few days I FINALLY seem to only be suffering from morning sickness for just about a half hour each morning, rather than on-and-off all day (and all night) long.

Jared said something cute two days ago:
Jared: Mommy, I'm glad I'm a boy and not a girl.
Me: Well, that's good, because you are always going to stay a boy!
Jared: I'm glad I don't have to have that awful feeling of being pregnant.

My poor kids have probably been so tired of me taking forever to get out of bed each morning and having me complain that I feel sick.  Hopefully we are nearing the end of all that...and on to more but different unpleasant symptoms of pregnancy!

Real Superheroes

Today after church Jared and I had the following conversation:

Jared: Mom, did you know there are two real live superheroes?
Me: There are?
Jared: Do you know who they are?
Me: Who?
Jared: Well, the first one is Jesus and the other one is me!

(Jared is totally into the superhero phase.  He loves The Incredibles and likes to pretend he has super powers of all kinds.)

This conversation reminds me of a something one of my nieces said when she was little: "Magic isn't real except for Jesus and Santa Claus."

Ha ha ha.  I got a good chuckle today.

Alan "Dynamite" Stout

I still need to blog about all our Halloween festivities, but I just had to post this funny video.  Last night our ward had a talent show, and the final act in the show was Alan doing the Napoleon Dynamite dance.  It was so hilarious!  This isn't a super great video I took because I was trying to film with one hand and hold Maggie with the other.  

This next video is kind of underwhelming compared to Alan's dance, but I also participated in the talent show.  A lady in my ward organized four women to play "Stars and Stripes Forever" on two pianos.  It was actually a really hard song for all of us to learn, and I only had three weeks to learn it.  I think it turned out pretty well, though.

Kazoo

Jared got a cheap little kazoo for his birthday this summer.  He loves it.  A couple days ago he said to me, "Mommy, did you know that my kazoo can play Halloween songs and Christmas songs?  Cool, huh!"

Jared is growing up so fast.  He already has two loose teeth!

I'm eating WHAT??!!

A few weeks ago we were eating something for dinner that was pretty hamburger-y.  Jared was kind of picking at his food and asked, "Mom, hamburger comes from cows, right?"  I tentatively said yes, not quite sure how he would react to that fact.  He seemed to be okay with that news, but he kept picking through his food as if he was looking for something.  Then he asked, "But where's its face?"

Oh, my.  Alan and I had a good laugh about that one later!

Piggy Nose

Maggie has been making a face which we call "Piggy Nose" for months now. It is so funny because she'll do it on demand. I finally remembered to catch it on film today. (Maggie got to take a bath without Jared tonight because of she had a blowout.)

Maggie is also in a cute stage where she softly says "Yah" to questions that I ask her.

"Would you like a snack?" "Yah."

"Are you poopy?" "Yah."

Rapunzel

We got the movie Tangled for Christmas. Jared loves it. The past few days I have seen him with a long beige blanket wrapped around his head. He pretends it is his long hair. Then he drapes it over the banister. He is such a character!

My little princess

Playing with Christmas Toys

Jared in disguise

Maggie loves her new hat and gloves from Alan's parents. Especially the gloves. In fact, in the two weeks since Christmas, she is either wearing/carrying/sleeping with the gloves for at least 15 hours a day. She even tries really hard to pick up things (like cereal) while she's wearing them.

Top Ten Worst Christmas Songs Ever

So, my friend Katie inspired me to write this post. Yesterday she listed some of the worst Christmas songs ever written. I thought it was such a funny post because Alan and I have been making a similar mental list for years now. So, this post might be somewhat of a rip-off of Katie's post (sorry, Katie), but we will add some more insights as well.

10. "Santa, Buddy," as sung by Michael Buble--I really like Michael Buble's Christmas album, but this song is just trying too hard to be witty.

9. "The 12 Days of Christmas"--As my brother says, this song is only sung because someone needs to fill up the last 20 minutes of a Christmas album.

8. "Christmas Time is Here" (the opening song on Charlie Brown's Christmas)--Is this song supposed to make me feel happy inside? It actually has the opposite effect.

7. "The Friendly Beasts"--The only recording I have actually ever heard of this song is on the Brian Stokes Mitchell/Tabernacle Choir Christmas album from a few years ago, but I guess I don't appreciate the animal impersonations. Watch the video here.

6. "The Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth," as sung by the Dynamic Duo Bing Crosby and David Bowie--If you have heard this, you will know what I mean. Also, a lyric flaw: what do newborns like better than to have a loud, annoying drum banging in their ears?

5. "Hey, Santa"--We hate this song mostly because they leave out the "t" in Santa. "Hey, Sanna! Hey, Sanna!"

4. "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time"--Love ya, John Lennon, but this song just has a totally lame sound to it.

3. "Grown-up Christmas List"--While I appreciate the good intentions this song has, it is sooooooo cheesy.

2. "Last Christmas I Gave You my Heart"--Nothing captures the Christmas spirit quite like a self-pitying break-up song.

And the #1 Worst Christmas Song Ever is....

"Christmas Shoes"--Why isn't the little kid in this song home with his/her dying mother instead of at the store buying new shoes for her that she will never wear? This is a terrible song--such cheesy sentimental nonsense.

Honorable mentions:

• "My Favorite Things"--I don't actually hate this song (I rather like it), but who decided that it was a Christmas song?
• The Charlie Brown theme, "Linus and Lucy"--ditto
• "Do You Hear What I Hear?"--There is a major flaw with a few of the lyrics in this song. "A Child, a Child, shivers in the cold," and what should we do to remedy this unfortunate situation? I know, "Let us bring Him silver and gold!" Yeah, that ought to do the trick! Forget about the blankets!
• "Little Saint Nick," a song by the Beach Boys, contains the lyrics, "Christmas comes this time each year" over and over again. Very insightful, Beach Boys.
• Alan's personal favorite stupid lyrics come from the song "A Marshmallow World" (although we like the song in general). At one point the song says, "And the sun is red like a pumpkin head." As far as we can tell, there are three major flaws with this sentence: 1) No, the sun is NOT red. 2) Pumpkins aren't red, either. Not usually, anyway. 3) What on earth is a pumpkin head?

Feel free to add any others we have missed to our comments. :)

Jared quote

A few days ago, Jared came up to me with a serious face and said, "Mommy, what does alcohol taste like?" I said, "Well, Jared, I don't know what it tastes like because I've never had it. Remember that we aren't supposed to drink alcohol because of the Word of Wisdom?"

Then, Jared got this sly look on his face and said, "It tastes like liquiiiiiid gooooold!!"

We can thank the movie Fantastic Mr. Fox for that one.

First Wife

Happy Halloween from my family to yours.

Truth

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

~Phyllis Diller