Happy Birthday, Papa!

This weekend was my dad's birthday.  He would have turned 65.  So young!  On his actual birthday we went to the cemetery, our first time back to it since his funeral in January.  I was a little bit disappointed that his headstone wasn't done yet; there was just a little temporary plaque marking his grave.  The flowers were from my sister, who had visited his grave earlier in the day.

The day after his birthday my whole family got together to celebrate and eat some of his favorite dessert, spice cake with penuche frosting.  I hope we make it a tradition.


I haven't written much at all about my dad's passing on this blog, I guess because it is so personal to me and this is a public blog.  On one hand, we feel so lucky to have had him for as long as we did with his terminal illness and I'm grateful his death wasn't sudden, but on the other hand I feel like my family and I are getting cheated out of 20+ more years we should have had with him.  Jared will have some permanent memories of him, but I know Maggie's memories of him will fade within a few years.  That is so sad to me.  Although the last few weeks of his life were especially awful for him, my siblings and I had the chance to help give round-the-clock care for him, something that hospice couldn't do, especially over the Christmas break.  It wasn't the kind of Christmas break I had anticipated having, but I was able to have some good one-on-one conversations with him.  That time with him was a gift.

Here are a couple videos of my dad.  The first was with Jared almost 3 years ago.  My dad is telling him one of his famous "mousie stories."  The second video is my dad getting Maggie to giggle when she was still a baby.

Piano Teaching?

A lady in my neighborhood just called me the other day because she is moving and wanted to offer me her whole crew of piano students.  I have taught piano lessons sporadically before I had kids (I even taught some of Alan's siblings and one of his cousins), but I haven't felt like I've had the time right now in my life with my young kids.  I would have to hire a babysitter to come play with my kids, something I know that other moms do while they teach piano or voice.  However, I feel like as a mom I am already ignoring my kids often enough just with the housework and cooking and exercising I do, so I would feel even worse if I hired a babysitter so that I could ignore them even more hours a week.

It is a big dilemma.  I had a couple of amazing piano teachers growing up and I would love to teach as well, but I just can't justify being away from my kids right now.  Another problem is that when all of my kids are old enough to be in grade school, I would still be ignoring them because teaching would have to take place after school hours.  It's actually a lousy set-up to try and earn some extra money and "fulfill a need" that I have in life.

I have a friend whose husband is a seminary teacher, so he comes home at like 3:30 and watches the kids while she teaches piano in the afternoon.  That is an ideal situation, as far as piano teaching goes.  

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I could make teaching work out if I wanted it badly enough.  I must not. Ha ha.  :)

Mourning

Yesterday was one of those "Jonah Days," to cite Anne of Green Gables. Or maybe it's an idiom that already existed. Hmm...

Anyhow, I was feeling really sorry for myself yesterday afternoon. Here is what I was feeling sad about, in no particular order:

• Christmas. I miss it.
• Outdoor Christmas lights. Our house is one of two houses on our street with its lights still on. The other house had its lights up last year until March. Not kidding. I guess it's time to take ours down.
• My husband, who is working extra hours now that it's his "busy season." He works late, comes home to eat something, and then works a couple hours more from home before going to bed.
• Our Christmas tree. Last night I put away all the ornaments while Alan was in our basement working. Fun way to spend an evening.
  
• The friendship of a dear friend who just moved out of state. We said goodbye just a couple of days ago.
• The weather. Once Christmas is over, spring should come!
• The person in this world that I talk to most often on the phone (besides Alan) just left on vacation. I was really missing adult conversation.
• My happy baby hasn't been so happy lately. She decided to sprout FOUR teeth within three weeks and hasn't enjoyed the whole experience. That makes two of us.

I know I don't REALLY have much to complain about compared with many others right now, but for some reason yesterday just seemed extra hard. I think it's mostly the "after Christmas blues" and the fact that being a mom can be sooooooo tiring and redundant at times! I think I just need to take some more time for myself sans children. Girls night out, anyone?

The Role of Women

One of my brothers has a blog on which he dedicates his beautiful entries to his wife. I particularly liked his most recent entry, on which he describes the role of women in our Heavenly Father's plan. You can read it here. It is awesome. Thanks, bro.

Anna

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day Alan's sister Anna passed away. To read a little bit more about Anna and my feelings about her death, see my post from two years ago.

All of Alan's family has an exciting weekend planned. We are going to have a family dinner tonight and tie quilts to donate to Primary Children's hospital. Tomorrow morning we are going to have a family excursion to the temple, have one of Alan's mom's famous brunches, and then visit Anna's gravesite. In addition, since it is the 10-year anniversary, we are compiling a time capsule about our family to open again in 10 years. What a fun way to remember Anna!

Being Replaceable

Today is the first day of school in the school district my kids will someday attend. I used to teach at the nearest high school by my house. As I have driven by this week and seen all the other teachers' cars parked outside the school, I have pondered being replaceable.

When you finish a phase in your life, do you ever wonder how life there will ever go on without you? I remember when I graduated from high school thinking that it was so weird that my teachers would continue to teach the next year without me or my friends there. Choir performances and competitions would go on without me. School dances would continue to be a busy social event, even though I wasn't there.

The same feelings come to me as I have moved a couple of times in my married life. My landlords easily found new tenants, and the bishops of our former wards found new people to fulfill our church callings. Life somehow goes on without me there.

I loved the years I spent teaching, but now I get sort of sad when I think that students come and go every year, and my former coworkers keep right on teaching year after year without sparing a thought for me. (Well, I still keep in touch with a couple of coworkers, and they claim to miss me sometimes. Ha ha.) It is sad to me that I was replaced so easily.

All of this makes me appreciate the roles in my life where I am NOT replaceable: my roles as wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend.

A Gripe

To Facebook or not to Facebook...

A couple of nights ago I went to a wedding reception for a high school friend and ran into several other high school friends there. I had about four different people ask me why I'm not on Facebook. In fact, a different friend who is getting married soon admitted that he only sent invitations to high school friends who sent him their addresses when he asked for them via a Facebook message or post, or whatever it is called (that's an example of how much I know about Facebook).

Then the last straw hit last night when we found out that Alan's cousin (whom he is very close to) got engaged a WEEK AGO and instead of calling Alan (or anyone else) to tell the good news, he posted the announcement on Facebook. We found out from the grapevine since we do not have Facebook accounts.

Am I really that weird for not wanting to be on Facebook? I think that I already spend enough time blogging, reading other blogs, and looking at other things on the internet that I don't want to add another addicting program to my life. I would only waste even more time! But I really hate how impersonal people have gotten lately because of all this new technology. Is it really that hard to make a personal phone call or send a personal email (or even a mass email!) when something exciting happens in your life? One of Alan's brother's announced his engagement on a family blog and then texted everyone to check the blog. Even his siblings found out this way. (We have all given him a hard time about this.) I mean, come on, people. It's okay to post exciting news on Facebook or a blog to let all of your not-so-close friends find out, but please be more considerate of family members and close friends!

Am I way out in left field, or does anyone agree with me?

Fantasy Day

Last night before we went to bed, Alan and I were discussing what the best "Fantasy Day" would be like. Like, if we could do anything we wanted to for one day and have everything our way, what would we do?
I decided that it would be fun to go to Disneyland for a day, but not have it be crowded at all and not have it be too hot. (At first I wanted to be the only guests in the park, but then I decided that would be just weird. Just us and all the employees of Disneyland--gross.) Of course we wouldn't actually have to pay to go. Also, we would eat in the Blue Bayou Restaurant (an unfulfilled dream of mine) and watch all the people entering the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. The food would be free, too, of course. And while I am dreaming, all the refreshments at the park would be free and also calorie/fat-free.
Of course, taking some kind of trip for a day on some kind of tropical beach would be a fun getaway, too. But it couldn't be too sunny or hot, and the water would have to be warm. And I would probably change the way that seawater tastes, too. Gross. Maybe sugary instead of salty? I often picture myself sitting in a hammock between two palm trees on a white-sand beach, watching the sunset. I would have a tropical drink melting in my hand, and I would be falling in love to the rhythm of a steel-drum band. I would perfect my chemistry (with Alan), and by and by I'd defy a little bit of gravity. :)

Then I started feeling guilty that the two above mentioned Fantasy Days excluded little Jared. Why should my Perfect Day exclude someone I love so much? So I started to make up a wonderful day that would include him. Of course, he wouldn't have any diapers to change that day and would only play with things he was supposed to play with! And he wouldn't be a picky/messy eater and he wouldn't get tired or cranky. I guess if I eliminated those factors about Jared, then we could do pretty much anything that day! Picnic somewhere? Tropical beach? Or even just a lovely, leisurely dinner at an extremely fancy restaurant where Jared wasn't acting high-maintenance. Of course there would be lots of (free) chocolate desserts with no fat or calories.

I guess in any fantasy of mine, I would be able to eat as much chocolate as I wanted without any consequences. :)

Getting Old?

I think I'm getting old. Here is the latest evidence:

1. I was sore for four days after Alan and I went skiing--something that has never happened to me before.
2. I don't like to stay up past 11:00 pm (Let me clarify--I really do like staying up late, but not when I know that my son gets up at 7:00 every day, no matter how late I go to bed).
3. I'm starting to weigh my options when it comes to reading books. I have to carefully decide whether I should re-read I book that I like, or if I should read a new book. For some reason I feel like I'm running out of time to read all the books I want to read.
4. I don't like to watch long movies. I feel like watching certain movies wastes my life away! I think all (well, almost all) movies should be no longer than 90 minutes. If they are any longer, I start to get antsy. Also, if Alan and I are choosing between two movies to watch, I will see how long they are and almost always choose the shorter one.
5. I think about saving money for our future house all the time, and I secretly get upset when I think that younger people are wasting their money and not thinking about the future.
6. This may sound dumb, but I am disturbed by the fact that I no longer have a "writing callus" on my middle finger. This means it has been a long time since I have been a college student or a professional in the workforce. I don't do much writing by hand anymore.

Hmmm. . . I will add more evidence as I think of it. Sometimes I feel like I take life too seriously. :)

Blah

I always get the after-Christmas blues. It is always so sad when all the festivities and family times are over. Not to mention that winter is still just beginning. It also doesn't help that today Alan returned to work after having almost three weeks vacation.

My mother-in-law always says that we sure wouldn't miss much if we just removed those six weeks in between New Year's Day and Valentine's Day. I think I agree.

A Reflection

I was recently talking with a friend about self-esteem. I have been asking myself questions such as "What influences the way I feel about myself?" and "What more can I do to feel good about who I am?"

I have made a list of several things that influence or used to influence my self-esteem: my friends and family, my dating life, my talents and abilities, my testimony, my grades, my level of education, my career, my appearance, my feelings of imperfection when I compare myself to others around me.

I feel that my childhood and youth was very two-sided. On one hand, I was extremely successful. I worked hard and did well in school, and I had many talents and abilities and made almost any kind of group that I auditioned for. On the other hand, I still didn't have a very high opinion of myself. I was always on the chubby side (and had some people VERY close to me remind of that fact frequently), had acne, had only a few genuine friends, and hardly dated at all.

Even now, my life is still two-sided. I have found that I constantly play the "I'll be happy when..." or "I'll like myself better when..." game. I'll be happy when I find the right major. I'll like myself better when I go on more dates. I'll like myself better when I get married. I'll be happy when I make more money. I'll be happy when I can QUIT my job. I'll be happy when I have children. I'll be happy when we buy a house. I'll like myself better once I lose more weight and figure out what the heck to do with my hair!

So many things are outside our control. Most things about our appearance cannot change, and I have found that it is not worth deciding how much we will love ourselves based on how we look! It is so ironic that I finally started feeling better about my looks (and, coincidentally, started losing weight) when I stopped being paranoid and thinking about them all the time. I also discovered a couple of years ago that I couldn't base my self-esteem on my career or salary. No matter how hard I worked, there were always people (TONS of people, in fact) making more money than me and receiving more recognition awards than I was. Even though I enjoyed it, I did not find true happiness and feelings of self-worth from my job. I have also found that not even my marital status or the number of children I have should affect how I feel about myself. Our imperfect society always makes us feel like we should look a certain way, dress a certain way, live in a certain type of house, have a certain family size. . . I feel that I am starting to do better at brushing off comments that could be considered offensive to me, considering the choices I have made in life. No one needs to tell me what to wear, how thin or tan I should be, what kind of job I should have, and how soon I need to get pregnant again. I can love myself just the way I am, flaws included, because Heavenly Father loves me just the way I am.

The following song has come to mean more to me as an adult than it did when I was a youth. It sums up how I feel.

Walk tall, you're a daughter, a child of God.
Be strong; please remember who you are.
Try to understand, you're part of His great plan.
He's closer than you know. Reach up; He'll take your hand.