Alan: Maggie, are you excited to pierce your ears someday?
Jared (interrupting): I don't think I'll pierce my ears.
Alan: Yeah, boys don't usually get pierced ears.
Evy: Pirates are boys, and they pierce their ears.
Alan: Well, you've got me there.
Evy (the day before Maggie got her ears pierced): And please bless Maggie with her ear surgery.
Maggie (while reading in the book of Ether): I guess I could be known as the sister of Jared!
Maggie: Noses are stupid because I can't get my boogers out. I hate my nose!
Maggie: Mommy, you smell weird.
Jenny: Thanks. It's perfume.
Evy (to her new primary teacher, who accidentally mispronounced Evelyn’s name precisely once): For the last time, my name is Evy not Eevee.
Alan: I've never seen an angel before, but I know that they're real. When people we love die, they become angels and they watch over us and help us.
Evy: I can imagine Binx wearing a white coat! [Hey Emma, you know Binx?]]
In a recent school project, Maggie defined surgery as “violence in hospitals to get bones out.” I definitely don’t want to have my bones violently removed.
Jenny painted her toenails a pastel green color that vaguely resembled Easter candy. Abby did the only reasonable thing in this situation to find out for herself whether it was indeed candy: she licked Jenny's toe.
Maggie: Jared is like the smartest person in my family.
Mason: Well, your daddy is pretty smart.
Maggie: I guess my dad is a little smarter.
Alan: I'm glad to know that I'm marginally smarter than a ten-year-old.
Abby’s guide to (mis)pronunciation:
Waterlemon = watermelon
Playdough = Pluto (as in Mickey’s dog)
Marshmallow Mateys= marshmallows, referring to just the marshmallow itself
Butterfallen = butterflies and tiny moths
After a fun family activity, Jenny and I will often ask the kids to indicate, by a show of hands and an enthusiastic “me!” whether they had fun. Abby is totally onboard with this: “I like aquarium! Me! I like otters! Me! I like sharks! Me!”
Jenny (attempting, with limited success, to cheer up a slightly grumpy Evelyn on a recent hike): Evy, look at all the pretty wildflowers!
Evy: I've already seen a hundred of those.
Abby pretends to do crunches at Jenny’s exercise class. She’ll even go and find her own little yoga mat!
While picking peaches, Jared commented how he remembered when the peaches were tiny. Then he said to them, “I watched you guys grow up!”
Abby has been asking Jenny to put "bitchy cream" on her arm. I could be wrong, but I think Abby is actually looking for “itchy” cream, which is her way of referring to hydrocortisone cream for dry skin.
Jared is obsessed—literally obsessed—with Pizza Pie Cafe. You know: the restaurant where you gorge yourself on mediocre (though strangely delicious) pizza and pasta. Well, the day after fast Sunday, Jared fasted for two consecutive meals (all good fasts should follow that pattern) in preparation for the much-anticipated dinner.
Evy: Speaking of mayonnaise, we should go to Arches soon.
Alan: What does mayonnaise have to do with Arches, Evy?
Evy: Well, we had sandwiches at Arches, and they had mayonnaise.
I asked Jared what the difference was between a pupa, a chrysalis, and a cocoon. Before answering the question, he imitated a robot voice: “Accessing database … accessing database…”
Evy: Santa lives at the North Pole, but he doesn't get cold because he smokes a lot. [Oh, so that’s the secret.]
Maggie: Evy, cacti is what you say when there are lots and lots of cactuses, but if you have only one cacti, it’s called a cactus.
Evy: Mommy, I can tell that I'm getting better at riding my bike now that I've lost two of my teeth. [Correlation; not causation.]
Abby cried and refused to eat French toast (which happened to be for dinner) until Jenny covered it in powdered sugar and started calling them “treats.” Shameful—but effective—tactic.
