A Reflection

I was recently talking with a friend about self-esteem. I have been asking myself questions such as "What influences the way I feel about myself?" and "What more can I do to feel good about who I am?"

I have made a list of several things that influence or used to influence my self-esteem: my friends and family, my dating life, my talents and abilities, my testimony, my grades, my level of education, my career, my appearance, my feelings of imperfection when I compare myself to others around me.

I feel that my childhood and youth was very two-sided. On one hand, I was extremely successful. I worked hard and did well in school, and I had many talents and abilities and made almost any kind of group that I auditioned for. On the other hand, I still didn't have a very high opinion of myself. I was always on the chubby side (and had some people VERY close to me remind of that fact frequently), had acne, had only a few genuine friends, and hardly dated at all.

Even now, my life is still two-sided. I have found that I constantly play the "I'll be happy when..." or "I'll like myself better when..." game. I'll be happy when I find the right major. I'll like myself better when I go on more dates. I'll like myself better when I get married. I'll be happy when I make more money. I'll be happy when I can QUIT my job. I'll be happy when I have children. I'll be happy when we buy a house. I'll like myself better once I lose more weight and figure out what the heck to do with my hair!

So many things are outside our control. Most things about our appearance cannot change, and I have found that it is not worth deciding how much we will love ourselves based on how we look! It is so ironic that I finally started feeling better about my looks (and, coincidentally, started losing weight) when I stopped being paranoid and thinking about them all the time. I also discovered a couple of years ago that I couldn't base my self-esteem on my career or salary. No matter how hard I worked, there were always people (TONS of people, in fact) making more money than me and receiving more recognition awards than I was. Even though I enjoyed it, I did not find true happiness and feelings of self-worth from my job. I have also found that not even my marital status or the number of children I have should affect how I feel about myself. Our imperfect society always makes us feel like we should look a certain way, dress a certain way, live in a certain type of house, have a certain family size. . . I feel that I am starting to do better at brushing off comments that could be considered offensive to me, considering the choices I have made in life. No one needs to tell me what to wear, how thin or tan I should be, what kind of job I should have, and how soon I need to get pregnant again. I can love myself just the way I am, flaws included, because Heavenly Father loves me just the way I am.

The following song has come to mean more to me as an adult than it did when I was a youth. It sums up how I feel.

Walk tall, you're a daughter, a child of God.
Be strong; please remember who you are.
Try to understand, you're part of His great plan.
He's closer than you know. Reach up; He'll take your hand.

Zoo

This morning I took Jared to the zoo with some friends of mine (they have a season pass and can get a couple of guests in FREE!) I thought that Jared is about old enough to take an interest in the animals, which he did. . . sort of.

Here is a glimpse of the conversations we had:

"Jared, do you see the bear?"
(pointing) "Baaaaaaaawww"
"Yes, the bear has a ball to play with. Do you see the bear?"
(pointing) "Baaaaaaaawww"

"Jared, do you see the monkeys?"
(pointing) "Baaaaaaaawww"
"Yes, the monkey has a few balls in its cage to play with. Do you see the monkey?"
(pointing) "Baaaaaaaawww"

Well, we will try again some other time. :)

A Buddy Post

Jared is the joy of my life. It sometimes seems hard to get cute pictures of him at this age, since he is always more interested in the camera than in holding still, but here are a few.


One of the Buddy's favorite foods is corn. In fact, he requests it almost every night at dinner. He now knows so many words! He used to be able to just say the first sound of most words (eg, he would just say "bah" to mean all of the following: ball, bear, blanket, book, etc.), but now he is beginning to distinguish the way that many words sound. There are probably about 10 words that he can say that sound almost just like the way we say it: baby, ball, bubbles, bear, juice, Jesus, nana, bowl, Papa (grandpa), Emma (one of his aunts), and of course mama and dada (I know I'm forgetting some!)

Jared still loves his bears. It has been so fun to have him old enough to actually play with him. He loves to be pulled around in a box while I make train noises, he loves to do somersaults, and he loves to sit in my lap while I read stories. How I love him!

Tagged five

I thought I would answer the questions from Shell's blog, but I'm not going to pass this on because I know so many people who hate tags. So enjoy (if you care).

Five things I was doing 10 years ago

1. attending high school as a sophomore
2. participating in my school's dance company
3. becoming good friends with my future sister-in-law Amanda
4. getting excited to date and drive
5. trying to find my place in school. I was actually a huge geek and didn't have very many friends at all. I didn't really get a good group of friends until my junior year when I joined choir.


5 things on my to do list today

1. exercise (done)
   
2. wash the dishes and put away the clean ones (half-done)
   
3. bathe Jared and put him to bed (done)
   
4. finish the book I'm reading (might get done)
   
5. work on the outfit I am crocheting for Jared (probably won't get done)
   

5 snacks I enjoy

1. Teddy Grahams
   
2. chocolate
   
3. ice cream
   
4. grapes
   
5. Pop-Tarts
   

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire

1. buy a house
   
2. save for retirement
3. buy a second car for our family !!!!
   
4. travel to Europe and Hawaii and ...
   
5. go out to dinner a couple times a week so I wouldn't have to cook so much
   

5 places I've lived

1. Um...I have lived in the same state my whole life. But I lived in two different houses growing up, three different apartments when I was single, and I am now in my second apartment since I have been married
   

5 jobs I've had

1. baby-sitter (ha ha! I am still doing that, but I don't get paid anymore!)
   
2. cashier at Dan's
3. grader for math classes while in college
   
4. high school math teacher
   
5. math tutor at a professional learning center (not my favorite job AT ALL)
   

So there you have it--a little more about me.

Increasing my Domesticity

Jane Austen in her book Emma describes Mr. Knightley as being "on the wrong side of thirty-five," yet we come to know what a good person he is and love him anyway. I was thinking of this quote the other day when I was walking Jared in the stroller. It was perfect weather outside--not too hot and not too cold. Yet I couldn't help thinking that it was on the "wrong side" of summer. I much prefer this type of weather when summer is coming closer, not further away. I know that many of you LOVE fall for what it is, but I can't help getting somewhat depressed as it gets colder and darker outside. I have found that one of the only ways to help me feel better is to drown my sorrows in Christmas music. That is why I start listening to Christmas CD's so early in the fall. (No, I haven't pulled them out yet, but if there is another dreary, rainy day soon I just might.)

In an attempt to appreciate fall more, I went over to my mom's house yesterday and had my first experience canning peaches! My mother was so sweet to devote a big chunk of her day (and peaches from the backyard!) to help my meager food storage. I was rather proud of my achievements:

We canned 24 quarts yesterday. Aren't they just lovely?

Afterwards, my mom and I celebrated by going to a diner called Shivers to try out their famous banana splits. The inside was decorated with a cute train! I just had to take a picture of Jared sitting on it.

Conductor Buddy

The banana splits were indeed yummy, if you like soft ice cream. I think I would go there again. :)

Freedom!

Last night our ward put on the first Enrichment that I was sort of in charge of with my new calling. We performed the musical production of "Women at the Well" by Kenneth Cope. There were so many talented women in our ward that sang, played the piano, and were the narrators. (Have I ever mentioned how grateful I am that my good friend Andrea is in my same ward? She helped out soooo much with her talents!) The whole night went so well! There was a very large turnout and the yummy fruit dessert/salad thingy that we served as the refreshment was delicious! I should post the recipe. :)

I have had a hard time sleeping for the past week or so because of stresses about last night and doing things that are out of my comfort zone, but now I am enjoying the temporary freedom of having something finished.

Real Life Picture Tag

My friend Crystal tagged me with this funky tag. I thought it was kind of fun, plus many of my friends and family members haven't seen my wonderful apartment yet.

I was asked to take pictures of the following ten things as they look right now:

1. My fridge. I just went shopping and stuffed it with a bunch of food I need to make for Enrichment on Tuesday. So it is overflowing even more than it usually is.


2. My closet. Alan and I each have our own separate closets in our bedroom, thankfully.


3. My pantry. What pantry??? We just have cupboards here, one of which is shown below. I miss our spacious pantry in our last apartment!


4. My favorite room. It is totally our bedroom--it is so spacious and light! I like to sit on the bed and read while Jared plays with toys on the floor. (Thank you to Alan who made our bed this morning!)


5. Laundry room. This happens to be the same room as our downstairs bathroom...


6. Self-portrait. I got ready earlier today than I usually do, but I still sort of look yucky. :)


7. Bathroom. This is our upstairs one. I love the way I have decorated it, and I love the skylight!


8. Kids right now. Jared was sleeping when I started this post, but he is now wanting me to come get him.


9. Kitchen sink. I just did the dishes.


10. Favorite pair of shoes. Well, these aren't necessarily my favorite, but they are the ones I am wearing right now. I like them all right. I don't know if I have a favorite pair.


Well, I don't really know who likes to be tagged. I know some people hate it. But just for fun, I tag Shell, Brooke, Rachael, Emma, and Katie.

Stout Look-alike Meter

Whatever. I don't really buy this. Besides, I used a different picture first, and it said that Jared looked more like Alan.